we're not broken, we're just bent
by xLostInTheSun
Summary: Things are going… quite fine, which is a euphemism to say that they're going as fine as they can when you know your sister is dying to become a Death Eater, the guy you've been crushing on for years is one already, and your best friend is torn between his desires and his heritage. The more Asteria thinks about it, the more she realises it's actually not fine at all.


**A/N: Hello everyone. I wrote this story to answer the prompt "Astoria Greengrass's backstory" for the Ollivander's Challenge. I'm posting it too late, but as you might see, this turned out to be rather gigantic. I loved writing this, and I apologise for the mistakes you're going to find here - I am not a native speaker.**

**Before you read this, know that I spell it "Asteria," because that's how I read it on the family tree Jo draw.**

* * *

When they turn seven years old, most girls get presents and birthday cakes and little tiaras to put in their silky hair. Asteria gets a serious conversation.

On the morning of her birthday, April the fifteenth, Mother tells her "Follow me, child" and Asteria is allowed to go into her parents' lounge for the first time. She's excited beyond words, and disappointment only hits her harder when she realises her presents aren't hidden here.

"Sit," her mother says, and Asteria does. Father enters the room as soon as she's on the sofa and then they… just talk. For what seems like hours, and Asteria doesn't really get what's going on. She hears the words "Pureblood" and "heir" and "marriage" and "family honor" and "Nott" and she's not quite sure what it all means.

Later, when she's sent back into her room without so much of a "happy birthday", sprawled on her bed with a book before her, there's a knock on her door. The person enters before she even has the time to invite them, and Asteria knows before looking up from her book that it is her sister.

"Hi," Daphne says. "Have they talked to you yet?"

For the first time, it occurs to Asteria that as her older sister, Daphne probably went through the same speech when she turned seven.

"They did," she says. She hesitates and adds: "I'm not quite sure what it all meant."

Daphne's eyes are inscrutable when she answers "You'll understand it soon enough." And then, just before she walks out of the door, she smiles and says "Happy birthday, Teri."

**ooo**

Asteria first sees Draco Malfoy a couple of months later. Her parents have spent a lot of time with Daphne lately, and when Asteria asked what they were talking about, her sister simply answered "my duties." Asteria isn't sure what it's supposed to mean, at all, but she nods. She's always thought that questions always find their answer if you're willing to be patient to hear them.

On a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon, Asteria is playing in her room – Mother told her not to come out before she's asked to – when she hears voices coming from the hall. Curious, she disobeys Mother's orders and silently walks down the corridor until she can see what is going on. Her parents and Daphne are here, welcoming visitors into their home. There's a man and a woman, tall and thin and blond, and they seem quite pleased to be here. And then she notices the boy, probably their son. His hair is as blond as her own is black, his eyes as grey as her owns are brown, and his face as sharp as her own is plump. He's politely looking at Daphne who's looking back at him, and for the first time, Asteria begins to understand.

Marriage. Pureblood heir. Family Honour.

So this is the boy they've chosen for her sister, then. As she's walking back to her room, she's wondering if the one they've chosen for herself is as pretty as him.

**ooo**

Overall, Theodore Nott probably is a good choice.

Asteria meets her own future husband when she's ten, just like her sister. He visits for the first time on a gloomy, rainy Sunday afternoon, his father holding his hand and his brown eyes fixated shyly on his own shoes. She's not quite sure where to look either, so she settles on looking at his shoes, too. She instantly realises they aren't in good shape at all – she can see holes, and the leather is old.

Asteria wonders if he's poor, like that ginger family she saw on Diagon Alley last week. Mother scoffed at them and Father told her never to mix with people like them, so Asteria didn't pay much attention to them, but she saw enough to know they probably don't live in a manor.

Later this afternoon, Asteria and Theodore are told to go talk to each other in a private room, so they do. Except… except that they don't say much. Asteria does all the talking, really. She sits there and looks at him and asks questions but he never really answers, and his eyes are never on her either. It's actually quite rude, really.

When she tells him as such, Theodore finally looks at her and says "I'm sorry. It's just… I don't really want to get married."

And… well, Asteria doesn't, either, but they don't really have a choice, do they?

"That's what they want us to believe" is his answer, but he simply shrugs it off when Asteria asks him what exactly he means by that.

"I'm sorry," he simply repeats, and then he's more open. Over the next couple of years, she gets to know him better and discovers that he's a kind-hearted boy with a taste for literature and quite an analytical mind, which is great, because that's what Asteria is too. They kind of become best friends, Theo and her, and even if she never falls in love with him, at least she'll get to spend her life with someone she respects, admires and likes. Looking at her sister and her own future husband, Asteria feels lucky.

Daphne is always angry for days after Draco Malfoy visits. "He's such an arrogant pain in the ass," she says, and Asteria is shocked beyond words to hear her sister use such an impolite phrase. "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him."

**ooo**

Daphne first goes to Hogwarts in September 1991. When she comes back for the summer holiday, ten months later, Asteria knows something is off.

Once smiling and pleasant to be around, Daphne is now mean and cruel for no real reason.

Asteria thinks she probably met terrible friends at school – Daphne has always been easily swayed.

**ooo**

She never talks to him. Whenever Draco comes, her parents tell Asteria that she has to stay in her room, that he's here to get to know his future wife and that she should leave them alone. She never talks to him, not until she's in the Hogwarts Express for the very first time.

Asteria follows Daphne into the train, unsure of where to sit. She doesn't know anyone her own age yet, and she's reminded how important a two-year gap is between children when she realises the things Daphne and her friends talk about aren't interesting hesr.

"Oh, look, here's Draco," says one of Daphne's friends, Pansy Parkinson. Asteria follows their gaze and sure enough, there he is, Draco Malfoy. There are four other boys with him, including Theo, and Asteria feels herself smile.

"Hi," she says once her group joined his.

"Hi," he smiles back. Theo rarely smiles to anyone, and she always feels very special when he does show some teeth for her. "How were your last few days of holiday?" he asks, but before she has the time to answer, Draco Malfoy says "Oh, you lovebirds. You'll have time to flirt later. Let's find a car before they're all full."

Asteria blushes furiously and she stammers that "We're not…" but Theo looks at her with an air of "Don't, it's pointless" in his eyes so she simply closes her mouth and follows everyone else.

Twenty minutes into the journey, Asteria's already wishing she were somewhere else. They're all entering their third year in Hogwarts, they're all in the same house, they're all familiar with each other and even if some of them don't really get along, as a group, they seem pretty close knitted. But Asteria… Asteria she's the new one, she's only Daphne's little sister. She doesn't really matter, does she?

Theo talks to her, of course, a few words here and there, but more often than not he keeps silent. She knows he's not very fond of this group, because he's told her a couple of times, and every time, she's asked why does he still hangs out with them, then. The answer's been the same each time. "Because I don't have much choice. You should know. We're getting married as soon as you're out of Hogwarts."

And then, suddenly, Draco Malfoy looks at her and says: "So, Daphne's sister? Are you excited about getting into Slytherin?"

Asteria… Asteria's thought about it a lot, actually. The truth is, she's looked into the qualities needed to get into Slytherin, and she's not sure she has them. Oh, of course, her whole family's been sorted into Slytherin before her, so it's more than likely that she will, too, but she doubts she'll ever fit in. She'd see herself in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff before she'd ever see herself in Slytherin, really, because she's not ambitious and cunning and she doesn't intend on being the cold-hearted person she's seen her sister become.

She nearly blurts out the truth but… but Draco Malfoy's grey eyes are looking into hers and suddenly, Asteria feels very, very weak. She's not sure why, exactly, and it's kind of really scary, but there, she knows. She knows that she has to end up in Slytherin no matter what.

So she smiles and says "Of course."

Later that day, when the Sorting Hat tells her she'd do well in Hufflepuff, Asteria asks him to put her in Slytherin.

"Are you sure?" he asks, and she isn't, and for a fleeting moment she wants to accept Hufflepuff, but then she sees him looking at her from the Slytherin table. Her voice is clear and strong when she says "yes" and a few seconds later, she's sitting next to Daphne.

**ooo**

Life in Hogwarts is… it quickly gets boring, that's what. Once the novelty of living in the castle wears off, Asteria realises it's not as exciting as she first would have thought. Maybe it's because she's only in her first year, but six months in, she still thinks that the classes are mostly uninteresting, the teachers still don't seem to think their students can be trusted on their own, and really, those tricky stairs get really annoying when they cause you to arrive late in Defence Against the Dark Arts for the fourth time in a row (she's lucky Professor Lupin never minds – if that was Professor McGonagall she knows she'd be in detention by now).

And mostly, Asteria feels quite alone.

She doesn't fit in Slytherin. No matter how she tries, she doesn't fit in and she can't see herself becoming friends with any of the other three girls in her room. She can't see herself becoming friends with anyone from her house, really. Oh, of course she has Theo but he seems to grow quieter and quieter as time goes by.

She thinks she knows why. They're not Slytherins, Theo and her. Not really. They're here because it's the family heirloom, but deep down, she's a Hufflepuff and he's a Ravenclaw – never Gryffindors.

**ooo**

Asteria doesn't really know why Daphne hates Draco Malfoy. She hasn't spoken to him much, but from what she's seen (mostly in their Common Room), he's a likeable person.

He always has a nice word for her. Sure, he probably doesn't even know her name – whenever he sees her, he calls her "future sister-in-law" – but he actually acknowledges her existence and Asteria can't say the same thing of a lot of people.

She asks her sister, one day. It's a late April afternoon and Professor Lupin just let his class go out early since all of them mastered the spell of the day quickly. Asteria heads out into the park, intent on enjoying the first ray of sunshine of the year, and settles on the South shore of the lake. She's a bit far from the castle, and she's sure no one is going to come and ruin her piece of mind over here. But Daphne comes anyway. It's not surprising – for all her sister's changed, they still both like a lot of the same things, and it makes sense that Daphne would seek peace in the same spot as her.

They stay silent for a while, until Asteria asks "Why do you even hate Draco Malfoy?" and Daphne seems surprised by her question.

"I don't know," she says, staring into the distance. "He's just… Not very nice."

"I think he is," Asteria replies, her own gaze falling on the calm, shiny surface of the lake. "Nice, I mean. He's always nice to me."

Daphne snorts. "That's because he's good at pretending."

Asteria ponders her sister's words for a little while, but she still doesn't see it. "Maybe you think he's not nice because you don't even know what's being nice anymore," she blurts out, and she knows even before Daphne talks that she should have thought this through.

"What do you mean?" her sister asks, an edge of anger barely perceptible in her voice.

"You… You've changed, is all," Asteria shrugs, and Daphne gets up and storms off, spitting "Maybe you should start changing as well. No one likes insecure, needy babies."

**ooo**

Her second year is upon her before Asteria even has the time to realise it. Things do get interesting this time, but it's mostly because of the Triwizard Tournament, as classes themselves aren't that great – except for Maugrey's lessons, but even then, Asteria thinks they might be a bit too young to learn about the Unforgivable Curses.

Hogwarts is usually a little bubble and nothing from the outside can really touch them, and once inside the castle, you always find that people don't really mix. Asteria barely has any friend in Slytherin, and she definitely doesn't have any outside of her House. But the presence in their school of outsiders – of foreigners – gently and agreeably changes that. Oh, of course, people mostly stick with their usual friends, but everyone makes an effort to accommodate Hogwarts' guests into their lives and more often than not, you'll see a Beauxbâtons boy chatting up a Gryffindor girl or Durmstrang groups play Exploding Snaps with the Hogwarts Exploding Snaps Club. The bubble is bursting with ragged threads and it makes Asteria happier than she'd care to admit.

**ooo**

All hell breaks loose on June 24th. Harry Potter comes out of the maze with Cedric Diggory's dead body and the revelation that the Dark Lord is back from the dead and everyone goes into a complete panic. Asteria's not sure what to think about it. She writes home the morning after Cedric's death, and the reply is short and clear – We'll talk about this when you come home for the summer.

A few days later, they board the Hogwarts Express for the ride back home. The atmosphere is… weird. The usual excitement at the idea of going home for the summer is gone, replaced by the relief of getting out of the castle and its sadness over Cedric's death, and the fear of getting out of the castle and its protection. Asteria's overheard a group of Ravenclaws on her way to the carriages say that as long as Dumbledore was around, things would be fine, and she knows they're right. But in the train, it quickly becomes obvious that, as Slytherins, she and her housemates are going to be seen as threats. Asteria doesn't mind that much. She's not sure what she thinks of the Dark Lord's return. She knows her parents agree with his ideas on blood, but she also knows they never became Death Eaters. She figures… well, it's the same she's always thought, really: she doesn't care much for people's blood, as long as they have a heart. And she definitely thinks blood is not worth killing people.

**ooo**

As it turns out, Asteria and Daphne's parents haven't changed their opinions. They still think Mudbloods are scum, and they still think the Dark Lord's return is a good thing for it will clear society of those unworthy of a wand, but they still won't take part in the fight.

"We were much too old the first time," Father says. "And we're definitely not getting younger."

"And we would advise you not to get involved while you're still in Hogwarts," Mother adds, "but we can't forbid you to join the Lord's ranks before either, if that's what you really want."

Daphne nods, and a few minutes later, when their parents are gone, Asteria has to ask. She knows the answer before Daphne even opens her mouth, which is why her stomach is really, really tight, but somehow, she has to hear it.

"You're going to join, aren't you?"

"Of course."

The words fall between them like the weight of the world and for the first time in her life, as she looks into her sister's brown eyes, Asteria feels like they're never going to be happy together ever again.

"You're not going to join," Daphne remarks. It's not a question, because as surely as Asteria knew Daphne would join the Death Eaters, Daphne knows her sister isn't made for this.

"You know I'm not."

Daphne looks at her and sighs. "Promise me you won't judge me," she says, and for a fleeting instant, Asteria feels like her old Daphne – the one who was her best friend – is back.

"You know I can't promise you this," Asteria answers, and Daphne walks away without a second thought. The realisation that she's only thirteen years old and her sister is only fifteen hits her in the face. They're much too young for going through such a separation. But war feasts on youth, always has, for centuries now. They're not any different. Their relationship is simply the first of many casualties to come.

**ooo**

As it turns out, Asteria's third year in Hogwarts isn't written in blood. But it definitely is written in tears and disappointments.

The Dark Lord seems to think the best strategy is to pretend that nothing happened, and the Ministry seems to be agreeing with him – as unknowingly as it is. But while nothing seems to be happening outside of Hogwarts – except for the massive breakout from Azkaban – Asteria knows that things are definitely turning ugly at school.

Umbridge is… Asteria can't even find a word – she's the most disgusting human being Asteria's seen in a while. She doesn't say anything, but the way she acts after Dumbledore's left Hogwarts is beyond revolting. And Umbridge brings the worst out of people. Asteria knew Daphne would probably jump on the occasion to be terrible to other people, and there is no surprise in seeing her roam the corridors with an Inquisitorial Squad pin proudly displayed on her chest, but for the first time, she is truly baffled as to why her sister hates Draco Malfoy, for they are obviously made of the same wood.

Asteria's disappointed beyond words. She always thought Draco was different, and as it turns out, he really isn't.

She spends more and more time with Theo, though, and she finds solace in the idea that some people still have the decency not to be terrible monsters parading as human beings. Theo's in a bit of an identity crisis himself, and he's not fun to be around these days, but at least he listens and he's not out there hunting for House Points.

"I'm not really concerned about what they do with Umbridge," he says one day, and when Asteria's brow furrow in displeasure, he quickly adds "I mean, I think it is despicable and trust me when I say I get a lot of shit for being the only Slytherin boy in our year not to work for her, but it's still… mostly harmless."

"She physically punishes students, Theo. How is that even close to being harmless?"

Asteria knows, because she's overheard Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood talk about it. Apparently, Harry Potter has been physically punished and this is… so revolting Asteria doesn't even have a word strong enough to qualify it.

"I know it's not harmless, Teri. It's just… Well, you know, they're not actually killing people. Not yet."

Asteria wants to answer, but what is there to say, really? She knows that for most of them, the Inquisitorial Squad is only training grounds for the day they officially become Death Eaters. She sighs and says "You're right." She hesitates, then, because she doesn't want to make Theo uncomfortable, but she has to ask. "What about you?"

Theo shrugs. "Same as always," he says. "I still think blood purity is bullshit and I still don't want to join the Death Eaters, but there's my father and my grandfather and… well it's kind of expected that I'll be one too, with my ancestors all being the Dark Lord's bitches."

Asteia usually scolds Theo when he uses foul language, but it all seems so pointless now.

"Do you remember," she says, "that first day we met?"

"Kind of," he answers, visibly wondering why she's feeling nostalgic all of a sudden.

"You wouldn't talk to me," she says, "and it was so rude, and I told you so, and you told me you didn't want to get married. And I said I didn't want to, either, but that we didn't have much of a choice, did we? And then… and then you told me that it was what they wanted us to believe."

Theo doesn't say anything for what seems like hours but is probably only a couple of minutes, and when he finally talks, he has a smile at the corner of his lips.

**ooo**

The following summer, everything is upside down. The Dark Lord is back in the open and Daphne is more ready than ever to join his ranks, especially since so many of his men were caught and sent to Azkaban. Asteria doesn't know the details, but she knows it involves Harry Potter and his friends, just like it always does, really.

And Asteria promised herself not to intervene in Daphne's problems but there is something so gut wrenching in seeing her sister fall for the darkness that she has to make her see reasons. So one day, when their parents have gone to bed, Asteria goes into Daphne's room. She hasn't been there in years, which is sad, because she used to spend a lot of time in her sister's room. It's barely changed, the only new additions being the Slytherin banner above her bed. She finds her sister sitting at her desk, furiously writing a letter to Merlin knows who.

"Daphne," she says, and her sister doesn't even look up.

"Go away, Asteria," and it kind of hurts, the way Daphne never calls her "Teri" anymore.

"Daphne," she repeats. "Daphne, you have to stop this madness," and she's only met with more silence. "Who are you even writing to?" she asks, and when Daphne still refuses to answer, she loses it and grabs the paper, snatching it away. It's a letter to Tracy Davis, one of Slytherin's only Half-Bloods, and Daphne tries to fight her to get it back, but Asteria is small and quick and she can keep it out of reach long enough to get most of it.

"Daphne," she asks, looking up to see her sister's eyes glistening with tears. "I… Are you in love with this girl?"

"Fuck you," Daphne growls back, and Asteria feels like she finally understands her sister in a way she never has before. Daphne… Daphne likes girls and that's why she doesn't want to marry Draco Malfoy. Daphne believes in blood superiority, and that's why she can't accept the fact that she fell in love with a Half-Blood.

"Daphne…" Asteria looks for her words but they can't seem to come out, and all she can muster is a "I'm sorry."

She's out of her room before Daphne can say anything else. Asteria decides not to talk to Daphne about the Death Eaters ever again – her sister has too much on her plate already.

**ooo**

She sees Draco's Dark Mark not even three days into her fourth year at Hogwarts. He doesn't exactly shows it off to everyone, but there are certain people he feel comfortable enough with to let them know about his darkest secret.

She's just reached the Dungeons on her way back from the library when she hears voices coming from what she knows is an empty classroom used by groups of Slytherin students who want to talk privately, away from the Common Room. Asteria wouldn't give it a second thought if it weren't for Daphne's "Wow, you're so lucky." Asteria hasn't talked to her sister, not even once, since the night she found out about Tracy.

"Aren't you getting it as soon as you're out of Hogwarts?" Pansy Parkinson's voice asks, and Asteria shudders. Out of all the girls her sister hangs out with, she's definitely the worst.

"Of course," Daphne answers. "Even before, actually, because my seventeenth birthday is in April. I'll spend my seventh year here as a proud Death Eater."

That's when Asteria knows they're talking about the Dark Mark. And she wonders – who in their group is old enough to have it already? Is this a seventh year student who's gloating to other Slytherins?

"I still can't believe you got it so early," Blaise Zabini's voice says, and the answer breaks Asteria's heart, for it comes out of Draco Malfoy's mouth. "I told you," he says, "the Lord wants me to do something for him."

"Can we help?" asks Gregory Goyle, and Asteria nearly doesn't hear the answer over the loud beating of her heart.

"I told you," Draco repeats, "I'll let you know in time when everything is ready."

That's it – Asteria can't take it anymore, and she pushes the door open, barges into the room, and her eyes are instantly drawn to the Mark on Draco's arm. She then looks at him in the eye, disappointment written all over her face. And she knows it's silly, because she never really knew him to begin with and his involvement in the Inquisitorial Squad was enough to let her know he would probably join the Death Eaters anyway, but she still feels like she's been cheated. All those years, Draco Malfoy's always been a constant presence in her existence, even from afar, and he's always been so nice to her, and she even joined Slytherin _for him_, and somehow, she felt like it mattered. But it never did. It never did and now he's sitting there, basking in violence and blood already staining his hands.

**ooo**

She tries to forget him. She tries to forget him and she's rather unsuccessful. She now spends all her free time with Theo. They almost never talk, but there's something comforting about being with the only other person in your house who's not crazy about the Dark Lord either. Things are going… quite fine, which is a euphemism to say that they're going as fine as they can when you know your sister is dying to become a Death Eater, the guy you've been crushing on for years is one already, and your best friend is torn between his desires and his heritage. The more Asteria thinks about it, the more she realises it's actually not fine at all.

Most of the time, Asteria recalls what she heard those Ravenclaws say after Cedric Diggory's death. As long as Dumbledore's here, everything will be fine, and it does give her hope, a little, but then she catches the sadness in Theo's eyes and feels the excitement in Daphne's steps and looks at Draco's sleeve and she's back to being gloomy. She's not sure even Dumbledore can get them out of here.

And then one day, sometime in February, Asteria's walking to her Transfiguration class when she hears Draco's voice coming from Moaning Myrtle's toilets. It should strike her as odd, because what in Merlin's name would Draco Malfoy be doing in Moaning Myrtle's toilets of all places, but she figures that with his new… position as a Death Eater, weird things are to be expected. She doesn't want to make much of it and is already on her way to McGonagall's class room when she clearly hears a muffled sob and suddenly, the realisation that _Draco Malfoy might actually be in here hurting someone_ hits her. And… Asteria's no Gryffindor, and it's not her type to play hero, but Asteria's a Hufflepuff even if only in her heart and she's not going to let someone suffer, even if that means being late and getting detention from McGonagall. She turns on her heels and walks straight into the bathroom, wand at the ready, hoping against hope that surprise will be enough to disarm Draco before he can start hurting her, too – and then she stops dead in her tracks, because… because Draco's not hurting anyone and the sobs… they're _his_.

He's sitting on the floor by the the sinks and his head is in his hands and there's no doubt in the world as to what the shaking of his shoulders is. Draco Malfoy is sobbing on the floor and Moaning Myrtle is right beside him saying soothing words and Asteria feels like everything she's ever believed to be true just shattered into millions of little pieces, along with her heart.

She wants to say something, to do something but where to begin? Draco Malfoy is very confusing; up until now, he was that guy who'll say to anyone who wants to hear that he's got some special orders from the Dark Lord himself, but he suddenly turned into this broken boy who's afraid of his own shadow and who seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulder. And suddenly – it all makes sense.

Lucius Malfoy's probably been judged responsible for the Ministry catastrophe by the Dark Lord and his son… his son is suffering the consequences. No matter what the Dark Lord asked of him, Asteria's pretty sure it's actually near impossible to achieve and she doesn't even dare think about what's awaiting him once his failure is final. It probably is something that needs to be done in school because Draco's the one working on it, and her guess is… if he's not done by June, it'll be over for him.

She fidgets, unsure of what to do next, so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't even notice that Draco's stopped crying and that he's walking towards her. It's only when he grabs her arm and spits "Did Snape send you to spy on me?" that she realises she's been caught.

"Snape?" she repeats, unsure of what he means. "No, why would he…?"

"What are you doing here?" he growls, and Asteria's voice breaks when she answers. "I was going to class and then I heard someone cry and I thought… I thought…"

"Well I don't know what you thought but there's nothing more for you to see here."

She nods, and his grip on her arm is still strong, and she's sure she'll have a bruise there, but she doesn't care.

"Draco," she whispers "Draco, what's going on? What can I do to help?"

He looks like he's about to answer angrily that nothing's going on, that she should leave, that there's nothing for her to see there, but something in his eyes changes. Asteria's not sure why, and she wants to believe that it's something in her voice or on her face that showed him he could trust her. He lessens his grip on her arm although he doesn't completely let go of her, and his voice sounds broken when he answers "No one can help, Asteria."

And… she knows it's completely silly, because he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown and probably well on his way to be murdered by the Dark Lord, but the realisation that Draco Malfoy actually knows her name tastes so sweet that she… she smiles. It's completely inappropriate, because no one should smile in a moment like this, but she can't help it.

And the best part is – Draco smiles back, a little. Asteria doesn't really know how it happens, but it's here nonetheless: there is a shift in their relationship, right there in Moaning Myrtle's toilets – and it's only when the obviously jealous ghost flies through Asteria's arm – the one that Draco is still holding – that they remember where they are.

**ooo**

Asteria thought things would change after that, but they don't. She tries to speak to Draco a couple of times over the next few days, but he's always evasive and pretends like he doesn't see her.

They're back to square one, and things take a turn for the worst when Theo walks straight to her library table and asks "Okay, Teri, what the hell?"

Asteria looks up from her Potions book, and she's greeted by her best friend's angry face. "What do you mean?" she asks, confused.

"Malfoy? Why are you even trying to talk to him?"

She wants to tell him about Draco's tears, but she knows it's not her place to do so, so instead, she shrugs. "I don't know."

"Teri, he's a bloody Death Eater! You should stay as far away from him as possible."

Asteria snorts. "Please. We both know you've been doing his homework for him lately."

Theo is obviously surprised. "How do you know that?"

"I've seen you write papers and use a spell to make the writing look like his."

Theo seems impressed for a moment, only a couple of seconds before his shoulders sag and he sits down at her table, distress painted on his features.

"It's… it's the only thing I've found to calm my father for now."

"Calm your father?"

"About the Death Eater thing. It was my birthday last month and I'm old enough to take the Mark but… well you know how I feel about that."

Asteria nods, trying to forget that her own sister's birthday is in a mere two months.

"So I told my father I'd be helping Draco for the rest of the year, liberating him from his school duties and… and it worked and my father said he'd be getting off my case until June."

Asteria holds her breath and asks "And then?"

Theo looks a bit usure and afraid, but also determined when he answers "Then I'm going into hiding."

**ooo**

Over the next few months, Asteria doesn't speak with Draco, not even once. It's only on Daphne's birthday that he comes to her, completely surprising her.

"Hey," he says, sitting down at her library table.

"It's been a while," she answers, incapable of keeping accusation out of her tone.

"Yeah, I've been… busy."

Asteria snorts. It's really the only thing she can think of answering to that. He's been plotting Merlin knows what for the Dark Lord. Saying that he's been busy sounds like the biggest euphemism in the world, right now.

"I wanted to talk to you about… about Daphne."

It's unexpected. "We haven't exactly been speaking to each other this year," she replies. "In case you haven't noticed."

"I know. It's just… It's her birthday today, and she wants to use the next Hogsmeade week-end to Apparate to the Dark Lord and get the Mark."

Asteria nods. She hasn't been talking to Daphne, but she knows he sister well enough to know how stubborn she can be.

"I tried to dissuade her," Draco goes on, "but she just won't listen and… well you're her sister, so I thought that maybe…"

"You tried to dissuade her?" The information seems so unbelievable, because… well, Draco's a Death Eater.

"Yeah. It's… it's not fun." He doesn't elaborate and even though she wants to press on, Asteria knows better.

"We're not really friends anymore," Asteria repeats, and Draco sighs. "I know. I know."

They look at each other for two minutes before Draco gets up and says "Erm, I… I have to go back to…"

Asteria nods, knowing what he means. She follows a couple of minutes later, intent on finding Daphne and making her change her mind no matter what. And she doesn't have to look for her very long – Asteria doesn't know if it's the castle guiding her feet, or the fact that in spite of everything, she still knows her sister inside out – before she's sitting next to her on the South shore of the lake, just like they did three years before.

"Don't do it, Daphne." Asteria doesn't specify what she means, but there is no doubt in any of the sisters' mind as to what she refers to.

"This is not your life," comes the sharp, cutting reply.

"It's my sister's life."

Daphne doesn't answer for a while, until she says, her eyes upon the lake "This is what I believe in, Asteria."

"The slaughter of innocent people?"

"The right punishment of people who stole what isn't theirs."

"You've heard Draco, Daphne. It's not fun."

"Draco's always been weak. I told you as much. I hate him."

"You hate him because you have to marry him but you're… not into men."

Daphne doesn't answer.

"What about Tracy?" Asteria asks shyly, and the answer is much too angry.

"What about _her_?"

"She's… you know, she's a Half-Blood."

Daphne is silent for a couple of minutes before she finally says "Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good."

And just like that, Asteria knows her sister isn't coming back.

**ooo**

Dumbledore dies. Dumbledore dies and Asteria wants to scream into the night because things are about to change for the worst. Dumbledore dies and Asteria wants to curl up in a ball and cry because it's Draco's fault.

Everyone has seen him flee the castle with Snape and the other Death Eaters. They murdered Dumbledore and destroyed half the castle and injured a dozen of people and now they're gone, like the cowards that they are.

But worst of all… Daphne fought with them. Daphne fought with them and now she's gone too.

And soon Theo will be going into hiding and Asteria wants to cry until she's so empty she can't move anymore.

**ooo**

Summer is here and everything is going to change forever. Rufus Scrimgeour is dead, and the Ministry is now officially the Dark Lord's playground. Muggleborns are being interrogated, Theo sent her a last letter saying he was going abroad and he didn't know when he'd be back or whether he could be in touch with her, and when Daphne comes back home, she's a hero.

Asteria wants to puke. The idea of it all makes her so sick to her stomach that she wants to puke and she does quite a few times.

**ooo**

Going back to Hogwarts is… worse than anything, really. Half the school's not there. Asteria wants to think they're on the run, just like Theo, but she knows better than lying to herself. And there are these Muggleborn kids, who were starting their first year and were taken into a dark room when they arrived in school and no one's seen them ever since and Asteria wants to throw up when she realises what it means. They were so excited about starting their new life at Hogwarts but now… now they're most definitely dead and probably didn't get a proper burial and to think that her sister helped doing that is… is so disgusting Asteria can't even begin to fathom it. She wants to scrub her skin raw, soap it until all cells are gone down the drain and her blood is leaking through the floor, until she doesn't have anything in common with Daphne anymore. But she can't really do that, can she? Pretending Daphne's no part of her, that is. Because she is. No matter how much she hates her sister's actions, she's still her sister, her only sister, and Asteria loves her unconditionally. She loves her so much she's not sure how to even try to stop loving her. And that's probably the worst thing, because all the people Asteria used to really care about are gone now.

Theo's on the run from his father, his grandfather and the weight they've put on his shoulders, Daphne's strutting in the corridors alongside the Carrow siblings like she owns the place and Draco helped to Dumbledore's murder at the end of last year.

Something's off about Draco, though. Asteria was sure he's be the king of the palace, and that he'd be spending his time putting everyone done, and that the Death Eaters working in Hogwarts would look up to him. Instead, Draco's always walking in the shadows and never dares looking at anyone in the eyes and the Death Eaters looked down upon him, disgust and mockery both painted on their faces. Asteria wants to pretend like she doesn't care, but she's curious, and it bothers her, and it's always there, nagging her at the back of her mind.

**ooo**

Not even a month has gone since school started again when Neville Longbottom is Crucio'ed in the Great Hall at breakfast. Asteria's not sure what happened – she hears people talk about the Carrows catching him painting the words "Dumbledore's Army" on the walls – but when Amycus Carrow walks up to the Gryffindor table, grabs Neville Longbottom's arm and drags him in front of the professors' table, Asteria knows something bad is going to happen. And sure enough, his sister starts ranting about how rebels are not welcome in this school and will be severely punished. And then, just like that, like it's no big deal and she's not using a terrible, terrible spell, Alecto Carrow draws her wand out of her pocket and shouts "Crucio" and Neville falls to the ground, screaming from the pain.

His screams pierce through Asteria's ears and she feels like she's going to throw up right there in her bowl of cereals. This spectacle is just so… so vile that she can't even begin to wrap her mind around it. And then the moment of shock that forced everyone into stillness is over, and just as Alecto Carrow goes to Crucio Neville Longbottom a second time, a lot of the people sitting around the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables start getting up, obviously outraged by the violent act. But Amycus Carrow's want puts them back into place and when Asteria notices no one from her own House tried to help and when she catches the hint of a smirk on Daphne's mouth, she feels sick all over again. And she decides it's enough, that she's been silent for too long, that she won't take this anymore. She starts to rise, wand at the ready, but someone catches her arm just before she's completely standing.

"Don't," they whisper, and Asteria looks at them.

It's Draco.

Asteria hadn't even noticed he'd been sitting next to her, and it infuriates her. She wants to ignore him, but when she looks towards the professors' table again, she sees that Neville's been thrown back towards the Gryffindor table and that Ginny Weasley and Seamus Finnigan are already escorting him out of the Great Hall, presumably to the Hospital Wing. She then looks back to Draco, only to notice he's walking out of the Great Hall too, and Asteria is so furious that she can't think straight, doesn't think things through and she walks after him.

When she catches up with him in the Dungeons, she grabs him and slams him against the wall. She draws her wand and presses it into a vein on his neck and she hisses. Draco looks impressed, for a fleeting second, and Asteria feels herself getting angrier. She doesn't want him to be impressed by her. She doesn't need a Death Eater's validation.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she growls, not even shocked at her own language. "You help killing Dumbledore and then you act like you want everyone to forget you even exist and then you prevent me from rescuing that poor guy. What the fuck, Malfoy?"

"I didn't prevent you from rescuing anyone," Draco answers. His voice is strained, like the pressure of her wand on his throat doesn't allow him to breathe properly, and the news is weirdly satisfying to Asteria. "I made sure you wouldn't get into trouble."

Asteria narrows her eyes.

"Do you really think you could have stand up to the Carrows, Asteria? Really?"

"Someone had to! No one from our House even batted an eye!"

"Because people are not crazy! Do that and you're getting into so much trouble you'll be sorry your all life! It's not just school, not anymore!"

"I know that," Asteria spats, truly, properly furious now, and she presses her wand into his neck a little more. "I know that because you made sure school and the outside world wouldn't be safe anymore, didn't you?"

"I didn't- I had no choice, Asteria! He was going to kill me, to kill all of my family! I couldn't-"

"You're a bloody liar, Malfoy! I know you didn't kill Dumbledore but you're still alive, aren't you?"

"Snape pleaded for me. He… he told the Dark Lord he couldn't have done it if I hadn't disarmed Dumbledore and it's as if I'd done all the work and-"

"Then how do you even dare show your face here, Malfoy? You should have stayed in that stupid Manor of yours!"

And then… Asteria doesn't know what happens, but Draco starts crying. She hasn't seen him cry since that day in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and somehow, it brings everything back into perspective. In her despair at seeing Theo gone and her disgust at seeing Daphne walk down the path to Hell, she'd somehow forgotten that Draco really wasn't Death Eater material. The mark on his arm might be saying the contrary but Draco isn't Daphne.

And suddenly it hits her; Asteria's already lost her sister, and she's probably lost her best friend as well, and she realises… she doesn't want to lose Draco Malfoy. It's stupid, really, because… it's not like she's in love with him or anything – hell, she doesn't even know him that well – but she realises now that he's all she got left from her old life, the one she had before Cedric Diggory died in that maze. And it might seem silly – it probably does seem very, very silly really – but she's going to hold onto that. She's going to hold onto Draco Malfoy and never let him go.

So Asteria lowers her wand and puts it away, and next thing she knows, Draco is weeping into her arms.

**ooo**

For the first time in five years, Asteria decides not to go home for Christmas. She can't bear the fact of being locked into four walls staring into Daphne's demented eyes, their parents' voices chanting her sister's name.

Draco comes and see her, the morning the Hogwarts Express is going to bring him back to London. They've been spending an awful lot of time together these past couple of months, Asteria battling to keep his head over the water and Draco lying on her probably far too often. Sometimes, it hits Asteria that it's quite a heavy weight on a fifteen year old's shoulders, but she does it nonetheless, because she's a Hufflepuff to the core and she's kind and caring and patient. She promised herself she wouldn't let him drown, and he won't.

So it doesn't surprise her that on the day he's supposed to go home – a home that is now the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters' home, too – he comes to her with dread and sadness written all over him. She's in the library, looking for a book in the Potions section when she sees him approaching from the corner of her eye and she knows why he's here.

"It's gonna be okay," she whispers before he even opens his mouth, and she hugs him, and she timidly smiles against is shirt-clad chest when she feels him tentatively wrap his arms around her small body. It's the first time Draco hugs her back and it feels rather nice. There's a warmth spreading through Asteria's chest and when she finally lets him go and looks up to him, there's an expression she can't quite place on his face. Asteria doesn't even have time to ask him what is he thinking about, because suddenly, Draco's cupping her face in his hand and lowers his head to hers and – Merlin helps her – his lips are on hers.

Asteria is stunned and she can't really react because the… kiss doesn't last long at all. Draco lets go quickly, mutters a "sorry", and then he's gone.

**ooo**

When he comes back to school a few days into the new year, Asteria walks straight to Draco. She's been thinking about that kiss over and over again for the two week break and she needs answers.

"Why did you kiss me?" she asks, her voice weaker than she would love to.

"I…" Draco stammers, looking at his shoes. "I don't know, it's just…" There's a long pause during which his eyes are still avoiding her, and then suddenly he looks up and says "Because I like you, Asteria. I like you a lot and I thought you liked me too but if I misunderstood you then… then I'm sorry. I just… I just had to, you know? Try, I mean."

"I like you too, Draco," Asteria blurts out, kind of surprised at how easily it came out, but not that much, come to think of it. "I like you too, but… but it's not right. We're not right," and she's definitely not surprised at how easily this comes out.

There's incomprehension in Draco's eyes, and he asks "Is this because of Daphne? Because I…"

"No, no it's not," Asteria says, and it's not completely true, because Daphne is part of the problem, even if not in the way Draco imagines. "It's just… This is not the right time. It's a war and… and whether we like it or not you're too closely linked to it and… and I just can't do this, not when I know what's going on outside, not when my sister is probably killing people on her spare time, not when nothing is right."

"This is right," Draco blurts out. "You and I. We feel right. We feel more right than anything."

And he's right. Asteria knows he is. "Maybe in another life," she sighs, and then she adds "But for this one, we'll just have to be friends."

And it's hard, it's the bloody hardest thing Asteria's ever done actually, but she knows she has no choice, they have no choice. And deep down, Draco knows it too, so he swallows and says "Okay."

**ooo**

Today, Asteria turns sixteen. Draco surprises her in the library with a piece of cake he made himself. It's not good, not even a little, but Asteria eats it all the same because he's made it for her and it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done.

"I love you," she says once she's wiped her mouth. She didn't mean to, but the words come out of her mouth before she can stop herself, and then it's too late to take them back. "I'm sor-" she starts but she can't finish because Draco's kissing her, longer and harder than he did in December, and she wants to tell him to stop, but she can't bring herself to it. He came back from Malfoy Manor two days ago, and he was shaken. He didn't say much, but from what she understood, they had caught Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger but they still managed to escape and the Dark Lord's wrath shook the Malfoy house to its foundations.

Asteria knows that Draco needs her, and she's fine with it. It's what she wanted, isn't it? Saving him, from himself, from his family, from the Dark Lord, from the darkness eating him alive. It's what she wanted, and it's what she's doing, and she's proud of being strong enough for the both of them.

"You're my solace" he whispers against her lips before kissing her again. He didn't say the words, but Asteria doesn't need to hear them – she knows he feels them all the same.

**ooo**

When Harry Potter breaks into Hogwarts, Asteria knows the end is near. She's sent out of the castle, because she's too young, and she spends the whole night in Hogsmeade. Her parents arrive soon after the fights started and they hug her but when they realise Daphne's not here, panic overcomes them. Asteria wants to slap them, to tell them it's their fault for not getting her out of the trap that is the Dark Mark. It's always fun and games when you attack Muggles who can't defend themselves, isn't it, but as soon as the people you're aiming at start fighting back, it get ugly, doesn't it?

**ooo**

They learn the Dark Lord's death sometime around noon. The people waiting in Hogsmeade are welcomed back into the castle to get their children, their parents, their siblings, their lovers.

When Daphne doesn't run towards them as soon as they step into Hogwarts, Asteria knows her sister's dead.

She feels empty. And strangely relieved.

**ooo**

Draco is sitting between his parents. He seems broken and terrified, but he's alive, and a wave of another kind of relief runs through Asteria's veins, pouring into her muscles and warming her skin.

"Draco!" she shouts when she sees him, and he looks up, and he sees her there, and he automatically gets up. He doesn't walk up to her, though, but that's okay, because she's always been the strongest of them both, and she runs up to him and she throws her arms around him and she hugs him tight and tighter until she thinks he's going to break into thousands of little pieces. She knows her parents are watching them, she knows his parents are watching him, she supposes a lot of the Great Hall is watching them, but in this moment, she doesn't care. There's just Draco and the feel of his living, breathing body in her arms.

She looks into his eyes and he looks back into hers and she smiles. She knows she shouldn't, she knows it's inappropriate to hug him here in the middle of the dead bodies among which her sister's is probably lying, but she doesn't care, because there's Draco and he's alive and he's the only real thing in the world.

None of them say a word but the silence is warm and comfortable, and this is when Asteria knows that this is built to last. She also knows that soon enough, things are going to hit them with violence and they will feel awful – Asteria will realise what Daphne's death implies, Draco will be haunted by the memory of what he's done – but for now, nothing of this matters, because she knows that in the end, they'll make it.

They're not broken – they're just bent.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading! I hope you liked this! Please don't forget that reviews are love **


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